Lebam the Bicycle Thief
by RockSunner
Summary: What if Lebam ran instead of saving Dipper? An AU from the world of "The Life of Lebam" and "The Life of Domiclese." Rated T for character death. All characters belong to Disney, not me.
1. Lebam the Bicycle Thief

What if Lebam ran instead of saving Dipper? An AU from the world of "The Life of Lebam." Rated T for character death. All characters belong to Disney, not me.

**Lebam the Bicycle Thief**

Mabel was listlessly sweeping up in the Mystery Shack, early in the day.

A girl about her age and build, wearing a hood up over her face, came up to her and whispered, "I need to speak with you privately. It's important."

Mabel looked at the girl with eyes red from crying. "What is it?"

"Come outside, to the back porch," said the girl. "I have information for your ears only."

"I guess I can do that... I'm not much use in here right now, anyway," said Mabel.

The girl led Mabel to where she had parked Mabel's bike, against a stump near the porch.

"My name's Lebam. I stole your bicycle last night but I brought it back."

"Oh. I didn't even know it was gone," said Mabel. "Thanks for bringing it back, Lebam. I won't press charges or anything. Something much bigger than that's going on in my life."

"Your brother didn't come home last night, did he?" asked Lebam.

Mabel gave her a hard stare, "What do you know about that? Do you know where he is? Are you working for the kidnappers?"

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this... Dipper is probably dead," said Lebam.

"Aaagh, nooo!" said Mabel in a half-whimper, covering her hands with her mouth.

"I know who killed him. It was Gideon Gleeful," said Lebam.

"Gideon? Why?" asked Mabel.

"He was furious with Dipper when you sent Dipper to break you up with him," said Lebam. "He thought Dipper was coming between you and him. He's insane and capable of murder."

"I knew I should have broken up with Gideon in person. I put Dipper in danger. But it might not be too late! Tell me more."

"Last night Gideon used Toby Determined to call and pretend he wanted to interview Dipper for the newspaper. It was a trick to lure Dipper to his warehouse on Gopher Road; Gideon ambushed Dipper there."

"How do you know?" asked Mabel.

"Gideon told me all of his plans," said Lebam. "I'm his other girlfriend, sort of."

"So he's cheating on me, on top of everything. Never mind, what was the plan with Dipper?"

"I don't know... but Gideon has an amulet that gives him telekinetic powers," said Lebam. "He could kill Dipper easily once he had him trapped. It's been hours."

"Why didn't you tell anyone sooner?" asked Mabel.

"I could have told you, but since time was running out I took your bike instead and headed to the warehouse to try to help Dipper. But then I chickened out: I was afraid of Gideon and his powers. I turned the bike the other way; I was going to leave town."

"But you didn't," said Mabel.

"I failed Dipper, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't come back and warn you," said Lebam. "I still can't live with myself... but at least you've been warned now. Stay away from Gideon. Don't go break up with him in person. His amulet gives him mind control and he'll get you to accept a marriage proposal next."

"That's crazy!" said Mabel. "He couldn't get me to do that."

"He got you to say yes to more dates against your will," said Lebam.

"Maybe I should see him in person one more time, anyway," said Mabel. "I have a plan."

* * *

"It was so nice of you to call me and ask me to meet you here again, on top of mah warehouse, peach dumplin'," said Gideon.

"You're the only one who can comfort me. Dipper's gone missing," said Mabel.

"Oh, Ah'm so sorry to hear that," said Gideon, moving in closer to her.

In an instant Mabel grabbed the amulet and snapped it off his neck. Holding it in her hand, she picked Gideon up with its power and moved him out into the air, over the cliff.

"What did you do to my brother, Gideon?" asked Mabel.

"N-nothin', sweetness," said Gideon. His hand instinctively moved to where his bolo tie would have been, but he touched nothing.

"What will I find if I look in your warehouse?" asked Mabel.

"You don't understand," said Gideon. "Dipper came between us. He was lying to me that you never wanted to see me again."

"It's true," said Mabel. "Now more than ever since I know you killed him."

"Please, it's all a misunderstandin'. Dipper was brainwashing you against me. Just let me go," said Gideon.

"I was hoping you'd say that," said Mabel. She released the amulet's hold and let Gideon fall to his death.

She picked the lock of the warehouse and found, packed in a crate, the body of her brother. The tongue was wrapped separately.

The police could handle it now: suicide in remorse after committing a murder in a fit of rage.

* * *

Mabel met with Lebam again. "It's over."

"Good," said Lebam.

"You helped me, but I still don't understand why you didn't do more. If you were his girlfriend, couldn't you have gotten close enough to him to have grabbed the amulet away, like I did, before he murdered Dipper?"

"It was a bigger risk for me," said Lebam. "All he would have to do is yell 'Stop' and I would have to obey him."

"Why?" asked Mabel.

Lebam pulled down her hood, revealing her identical face. "He summoned me by magic. I'm your mirror doppelganger. Amulet or not, I was forced to obey his orders, like a genie."

"I get it. He was your master and you couldn't harm him," said Mabel. "You're free now. What will you do? Return to your mirror world?"

"I don't know how," said Lebam. "I'll have to go somewhere else and try to start a new life."

"I can't offer you anything here," said Mabel. "You could have told me about this last night, maybe in time to save Dipper's life. You were a coward."

"I deserve that," said Lebam. " But don't be too sure you wouldn't have done the same thing in my place. We have the same memories; I'm just like you."

"No, you're not," said Mabel. "I would have done something."

"Maybe you're right. Goodbye, Mabel," said Lebam.

"Goodbye, bicycle thief," said Mabel.


	2. Lebam the Gnome Queen

**Lebam the Gnome Queen**

After leaving Mabel for good, Lebam headed into the woods. With her llama digestion, she could survive on leaves and grass for a few days.

Lebam thought about her prospects, which were grim. "Life as a pre-teen runaway on the streets of some big city I can hitchhike to... Prostitution, almost certainly... I deserve to be miserable, but not that miserable."

She was sleeping under a tree, trying to use a pile of leaves for warmth, when a goat entered her dreams. In the dream, it didn't seem unreasonable for her, a half-llama doppelganger, to talk to a goat.

"I have a deal for you," the goat said. "A place to stay where you will be accepted, doted on even."

"What?" asked Lebam. "Really?"

"You need to be older to be sure you are making a good decision," the goat told her. "I can grow you up overnight, to age eighteen, and give you a grown mind capable of making this kind of decision."

"I think this is just a dream, but it's a deal. I could face the world alone at lot better at eighteen," said Lebam.

Lebam woke feeling very strange. She looked down at herself and found she was physically older, eighteen as promised.

There were new memories in her mind as well, covering the six-year gap with the life of a woman in ancient Greece, named Callisto. She had dyed wool and spun clothing, and worshiped the goddess Diana with a group of other women. It was a grown mind, but culturally a bit alien to her.

There was also the beginning of an idea of what she could do with her life. Lebam spent a few more days eating leaves and living in the wild, getting used to her new mind.

"I owe Mabel something for failing to save Dipper. This is one way to pay a recompense. I can give her freedom from one fear at least, whenever she goes into the woods."

The other side of her mind told her, "It could be a hellish life I'd be letting herself in for. Do I dare go for it? They wouldn't take no for an answer; they kidnapped Mabel. Would I just be a slave? Maybe that's all I deserve. No, I do deserve more than that, failure to save Dipper or not."

The goat came back in another dream.

"I promise that you can set the conditions of your marriage, and I will enforce them," said the goat. "They are afraid of me. All I ask in exchange is help with a project I'm working on, a few months from now. We can work out the details later."

"I trust you," said Lebam. "You're magic and you did what you said last time. It's a deal."

Lebam found the woods where the gnomes lived, and found their leader, Jeff, taking a squirrel bath.

"Are you still looking for a gnome queen?" she asked.

"Mabel? How did you grow up so fast?" asked Jeff. "You're so beautiful now."

"I'm actually her mirror doppelganger. The name's Lebam."

"Lebam, it's so nice to meet you. Does Mabel know about you coming here?"

"She's still not interested, but I am," said Lebam.

"That's super," said Jeff.

"I have a few conditions I need to set down," said Lebam. "All the gnomes want to consummate the marriage, is that true?"

"Uh, yeah, that's the idea," said Jeff. "We've been very lonely without a queen."

"I need to limit that to once a day, with off days whenever I want them," said Lebam. "You can set up a lottery or something."

"Disappointing, but we can live with that," said Jeff.

"Gompers the goat, you know him? He'll be checking up on me and making sure I'm being treated well. I want to be a queen, not a slave."

"Of course, my sweet," said Jeff.

"One more thing. Is there any chance I'll get pregnant? I don't want to," said Lebam.

"No," said Jeff. "We can clone ourselves to reproduce. You don't have to bear any children."

"Fine then; I'll marry the gnomes and be your queen," said Lebam.

Jeff hunted up a diamond ring and presented it to her. "Ba-da-bing!"

She put it on.

"One thing, honey," said Jeff. "Some of the guys will be intimidated by your, uh, largeness?"

"I can't help that," said Lebam.

"Actually, you can," said Jeff. "There's a group of magic crystals deep in the forest. Step into the light from one direction, and you shrink. In the other direction, you grow."

"Lead me to it, and I'll shrink for you, as long as I can grow back whenever I want," said Lebam.

Lebam went with Jeff, thinking: "I don't love them and never will.. I'm a prostitute now... It's not a nice life, but it's the best I can do... Life on the streets would be worse... I let Dipper die... It's all I deserve."

* * *

The control program from Bill Cipher that resided in Gompers the goat considered how to fill in the Ring to deal with the two gaps left by Pine Tree and All-Seeing Pentagram. The Titans required host bodies that they could take over, with the original minds as mere passengers. The Ring was now missing the males for two married couples.

Gideon had been the intended mate for Lebam, so the best replacement on the Ring would be Pointed Cap. Jeff could be enlarged and take on the role of host of Coeus, god of the axis of the earth. Lebam would be the host of Phoebe, the bright goddess of prophecy.

* * *

Later that summer, Shell (Mermando) was selected to fill the other gap. He and Shooting Star could become the hosts of Oceanus and Tethys, god and goddess of the sea. Robbie and Wendy, now dating, would be the hosts Hyperion and Theia, god and goddess of light.

Everything was set. Or it would be, once Bill Cipher found the missing Journals 2 and 3. Bill was searching frantically all over the country for them. Without them, the portal could never be opened and the Titans could never take over their hosts, or the world. Without them, Bill was headed for eternal suffering in Robot Tartarus. (That was the fate that Chronos, the Time Baby, had threatened Bill with for failure.)

* * *

Mrs. Gleeful vacuumed outside Gideon's room. Her mind was gradually getting better now that the continual terror of Gideon was gone. They had burned the two books of witchcraft they found on Gideon's body and buried the ashes with him, so she was feeling safer.

Still, some evil residue of Gideon might cling to the floor, so there was nothing to do but "Just keep vacuumin'..."


	3. Lebam the Goddess

**Lebam the Goddess**

Lebam had adjusted to life with the gnomes. Other than the "wifely duties" hour with whichever lucky gnome had won the lottery for her each day, the rest of her time was free to do with as she liked.

She learned to ride deer-back, to communicate with rabbits, and to explore the beautiful forests on foot. Few predators or monsters dared to attack the Gnome Queen, and if they did she could blow a whistle and her guard would assemble into a giant to fight them off.

She spent some time learning gnome history and law, so she could decide their disputes as Queen. She used her skills from her memories as Callisto to make clothing and tapestries for the gnomes. They would have warm clothing and a beautifully decorated underground den when winter came.

Her natural optimism was coming back, so that she was happy again much of the time. She tried to put from her mind the long-term picture, which was that gnomes were immortal energy beings (hence the rainbow throw-ups they had), and that she herself had gained eternal youth by being with them (barring traumatic accidents). They hadn't been exaggerating when they said Mabel would be their queen for eternity. Now that was Lebam's fate instead.

* * *

Chronos the Time Baby had not given up. When he realized Bill Cipher had failed, he fired and punished the triangular robot with a painful sentence in Robot Tartarus.

"Agent Blandin, you are assigned the task of finding the Journals that Cipher failed to find," said Chronos.

"Your Majesty, I have an idea about that," said Blandin. "Gideon Gleeful may have had one or both when he fell to his death. I have hidden cameras monitoring Mabel Pines, and she sometimes uses an amulet like the one he used to wear, one that looks very much like our technology."

"Go to the window of time between his fall and the arrival of the first person to check his body," said Chronos. "If he has the journals, substitute copies and take the originals."

Blandin operated his tape-measure time machine and returned a moment later, "I have Journals 2 and 3, Your Majesty."

"Excellent," said the Time Baby. "Stan Pines has Journal 1, so we finally have them all."

* * *

"Places, everyone," said Bill, looking around the underground portal room, with the portal glowing and ready to go.

He had been released from Tartarus to complete the ceremony, since his dream channel Ring had the settings for all of the hosts for the Titans.

A glowing ring appeared on the floor, with symbols in every space around Bill. Stan was already on the Fez Symbol. Soos, Wendy, Robbie, Lebam, Jeff, McGucket, and Mabel were placed in the Question Mark, Ice, Stitched Heart, Llama, Pointed Hat, Six-fingered Hand, and Shooting Star positions respectively. Bill lifted the water tank containing Mermando and placed him in the Shell position. All were held motionless except for the ability to speak.

"Now to meet my Maker," said Bill, sending a signal to the computers.

The portals glowed again and a gigantic baby with red eyes and a glowing blue hourglass on his forehead floated into the room, taking his place in the center of the circle.

The humans present wanted to laugh, but realized they had better not.

"All is nearly ready, your Highness," said Bill, bowing to the the figure. "Here all the ones for the ceremony we have. Stanley Pines had not yet been found."

"Let me satisfy your curiosity, chosen humans," said the Time Baby. "I am Chronos, leader of the robotic race called the Titans."

"You're a baby, so where are the teens?" asked Robbie sarcastically.

"You ask the question in jest, but it's truer than you know," said Chronos. "You will be one of them."

There was a collective gasp from the group.

"When we ruled before, we made the mistake of keeping our vulnerable robot bodies in this dimension," said Chronos. "Humans rebelled against us and many of us were destroyed. A rival group of my children, the Olympians, were also almost completely wiped out. Fortunately there are backups of our minds in our home dimension. Now we have a new strategy. We will keep our true bodies safe there, and project our personalities onto host humans here through the portal."

"So we're supposed to be hosts to aliens?" asked Stan. "What will that do to us?"

"It is helpful for the hosts bodies to have true human minds, to keep them functioning properly. You will be fully alive, able to experience all your senses," said Chronos. "But you will be passengers in your own bodies, each with a god in control of your physical actions."

"What do the gods want to do... in us?" asked Lebam.

"They are eager to experience all they can of human life and pleasure," said Chronos. "Your lives will be pleasurable indeed, once we take back the planet."

"Hey, I was promised I'd get rich when the banks crashed," said Stan.

"You will be rich, as one of the rulers of the planet," said Bill.

"I was promised you would help my family," said Wendy.

"I meant your new family, the Titans," said Bill.

"I don't reckon I was promised anythin'," said McGucket.

"You are lucky to be here alive at all, after you turned against me," said Bill.

"What a cheater and a liar," said Lebam. "I've only had a couple of months in my new life as Queen of the gnomes."

"Liar, monster, fancy dresser," said Bill. "That's me."

"Now for the host assignments. Four pairs of the Titans were married," said Chronos. "Bill was able to find three couples. I too was married, but my wife Rhea will not be joining us; she betrayed me to Zeus long ago."

"C-couples?" asked Wendy.

"Shell and Shooting Star will be one couple," said Chronos. "They will be Oceanus and Tethys, god and goddess of the sea. This selection was made with Mermando's breathing needs in mind."

"What about me?" asked Mabel. "I can't breathe underwater."

"No worries. We'll give you a mermaid conversion," said Bill.

"I like you, Mermando, but I'm not ready for this," said Mabel.

"Nor am I, Mabel," said Mermando.

"Next will be the Pointed Cap and the Llama," said Chronos. "You will be Hyperion and Theia, god and goddess of light. One of you is associated with rainbows, and the other with reflections, so that is also a fitting choice."

"Hey, we gnomes have a group marriage with Lebam already," said Jeff.

"The gnomes can find replacements for their leader and queen," said Chronos. "You are needed for the Titans."

"I want to be sick," said Lebam. "If my body would just let me."

"You said three couples," Stan said. "Who's the third one?"

"Coeus is the god of the axis of the earth, associated with the inquiring mind. Phoebe is the bright and radiant goddess of prophecy. We would have used Dipper and Mabel for them, but Dipper is gone."

"What?" said Wendy, in almost a scream. "They were brother and sister!"

"The Titans don't care about that," said Bill. "If you read your mythology, you'd know all their marriages were incestuous."

"Taking their place will be Stitched Heart and Ice," said Chronos.

"All right!" said Robbie. "We're gonna be together, babe."

"I hate you," said Wendy.

"This is not happening," said Lebam. "This is a nightmare."

"One of the unpaired ones is Mnemosyne, goddess of memory. That will be McGucket, the journal writer and the one with the longest memories," said Chronos.

"Goddess?" asked Stan.

"Nobody's perfect," said Chronos. "Then there's the god Crius, almost unknown in this day; it is fitting that the Question Mark will be his host. If he can be found, Glasses will be Themis, goddess of law and good council, since he is the good brother. Otherwise Themis will have to wait until we find another host."

"What about me?" asked Stan. "Who do I get?"

"You will be Iapetus the Piercer, wielder of the spear of mortality, the god of death," said Chronos.

"Oh goodie," said Stan sarcastically.

"Come now gods, and take your new hosts," said Chronos.

The transfer took place, and the second New Robot Order began.

* * *

Lebam longed for the good old days of her gnome marriage. She had only one husband now, but she and Jeff came together involuntarily, under the control of Themis and Hyperion, whenever the gods wanted.

The world had fallen to the Titans and they had ruled for twenty-six years so far. Lebam was still eternally eighteen, and Jeff was ageless, so they were stuck as hosts forever. Lucky Wendy had aged enough to retire, and she was replaced by a new host. Wendy was freed, but there wasn't much left of her mind. Mabel was also ageless, it turned out, because she was actually an android from another time. She had been aged up to eighteen and kept that way. Mermando had aged compared to her but not yet been replaced. Others had died while still hosts, including Stan.

The only thing that gave Lebam any hope at all was telepathic coaching by Soos (who was actually the Olympian god Zeus). She had strengthened her mind, waiting for her chance.

Lebam was in the portal room. The Titans often assembled their hosts there for parties. As she walked by the lever that controlled the portal, Lebam took her chance. She wrested control from the goddess for an instant, long enough to force her to trip and fall on the level, shutting off the portal.

All around the room, the hosts slumped. With no gods projected into them, they were back to normal. All but one. The shock of divine possession and sudden release was too much for the zombie tech that animated the corpse of Robbie Vale. The illusion that hid his decay dissolved and he fell to the floor, a skeleton with desiccated flesh clinging to his bones.

Wendy's replacement screamed.

* * *

Everyone talked about what to do. Fortunately the Time Baby had ventured onto the other side to visit with his robots, and he was shut out of the world with them.

"There's a power vacuum now," said Mabel. "We have to remain in charge for a while and return control to the people gradually, or there will be chaos."

"I have to agree," said Lebam. "But we need to free the people as quickly as we can."

"I agree, dudes," said Soos. "Now I've been a slave, I don't want gods ruling things any more, even Olympians. It just doesn't work in the long run."

It was agreed they would continue to play gods and goddesses as they worked to return the world to human control.

* * *

Lebam got Jeff aside for a private talk.

"Jeff, you've been my husband all this time," she said, "I've even come to love you. We've been through years of hell together, being controlled and raped by Hyperion and Themis. I'd like to stay married, but I need a break from anything physical."

"Why?" asked Jeff.

"I need to separate the physical attraction between us because of what the gods did, and my own feelings."

Jeff said, "I'm very attracted to you. I always have been."

"I'm attracted to you, too, but I never forgot all that time that it was rape. Maybe you did," said Lebam. "You were always shallow about physical attraction, like the way you tried to kidnap Mabel."

"Gnomes are a bit more shallow than humans," said Jeff. "I admit it."

"If you can't understand how I feel, it's over between us," said Lebam.

"I can understand. I hated being controlled, too. I want us to be together, and I'll wait for you as long as you want," said Jeff. "Do you want a year?"

"Maybe a month," said Lebam.

"Or a week?" asked Jeff.

"Or a day... no, forget waiting. I just want to celebrate being free again, Jeff," said Lebam.

They embraced.

THE END


End file.
